hatırladım
gevezeymişim
sanki o benmişim
içime bir şey doldu:
hatıra
sanki benimmiş
mavi olsun
kutu olsun
sırma iplikleri
uzun mu uzun
bir de, güneş vursun
öyleydin.
sevdim ben seni,
hani neredeydin?
hatırama katladım
özene bezene
kıtır kıtır naftalin
dört ucunu düğmükledim
kokun uçmuş
geriye bir şey kalmış
sevmedim.
ama seni çok sevdim
billah bembeyaz danteldi bohçam
en temiz duygularımı
tülbentle süzüp, kuruttumdu
'oku' dedigin kitabın arasında.
ikinci kere okurken,
yine seni hatırladım
sıkıldım.
halbuki seni ne çok sevdim
bak hatırlıyorum, deftere de yazmışım
mayıs'ta çıkageldin
hatırlamıyorum ayın kaçıydı
çok oldu,
gideli.
Haziran 30, 2007
Haziran 18, 2007
273
"Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such a clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately.. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. My benefactor's question has meaning now. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use.
Both paths lead to nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you."
. . .
"But how do you know when a path has no heart, don Juan?"
"Before you embark on it you ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path."
"But how will I know whether a path has heart or not?"
"Anybody would know that. The trouble is nobody asks the question; when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path."
"How should I proceed to ask the question properly, don Juan?"
"Just ask it."
"I mean, is there a proper method, so I would not lie to myself and believe the answer is yes when it really is no?"
"Why would you lie?"
"Perhaps because at the moment the path is pleasant and enjoyable."
"That is nonsense. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it."
(Castaneda, The Teachings of don Juan)
Both paths lead to nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you."
. . .
"But how do you know when a path has no heart, don Juan?"
"Before you embark on it you ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path."
"But how will I know whether a path has heart or not?"
"Anybody would know that. The trouble is nobody asks the question; when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path."
"How should I proceed to ask the question properly, don Juan?"
"Just ask it."
"I mean, is there a proper method, so I would not lie to myself and believe the answer is yes when it really is no?"
"Why would you lie?"
"Perhaps because at the moment the path is pleasant and enjoyable."
"That is nonsense. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it."
(Castaneda, The Teachings of don Juan)
Haziran 06, 2007
Haziran 05, 2007
271
My nonhero is a ghost in a grossmarket, standing still before a white wall under artificial melon vapor. Wants to know how flat one can be under heavy flow, for no reason at all. Steers her mind in the airport panorama with a vegetable's consciousness...
Rule 1: connect
She wants to become a humanonion. Turn the whole place into the largest vegetable on earth capable of absorbing the entire flow with its particles
Rule 2: disconnect
In any market, everybody is connected to the spatial grid: rows and columns;
and to the ergonomic grid: one hand grasps tight the shopping chart, the other hand that embraces the egg box;
and to the musical grid: Boston Pop, vocals by the announcing girl. Like a bird, she sings the 'hours for sale' song to mark the territory of the cheapest departments. (chorus: OOooou how these little things can make one happiiii).
To connect, you have to disconnect. From every social bond, any organic bond...
(> but, what about james bond???)
Slide down towards the slot into the Panoptikon Chamber (PC), connect to the flow.
No dogs allowed. So, to pick up one among several dog foods you have to try first. Taste some 'bone machine'.
No touch. Keep the distances written on the ergonomic grid.
No speech sounds. Follow the musical grid.
NO GAZE. Don't make others disconnect (by connecting them to yourself). Also
PLEASE DON'T GAZE BACK AT THE CAMERAS, for they don't gaze back at you; but guarantee your connection by securing your isolation in the Panoptikon Chamber. Any rational motive may disconnect, thus be found worthy for a capital judgement: unbroken disconnection.
Just flow.
Rule 1: con >be where you are< nect
So, The Ghost in the Grossmarket wants to become a gi4nt humanonion, without b3ing noticed wants to turn the whle pl4c3 into the most priimiitiive org g g geeanism on earth. As she disconn_nnocsid_ects by the approaching guard, prRRepared 4 a defense attt4ck, he connects: "D8 Y8U THINK M8V3M3NT 4ND SP4C3 IS N3C3SS4RY F8R Y8U T8 3XIST?"
(1998)
Rule 1: connect
She wants to become a humanonion. Turn the whole place into the largest vegetable on earth capable of absorbing the entire flow with its particles
Rule 2: disconnect
In any market, everybody is connected to the spatial grid: rows and columns;
and to the ergonomic grid: one hand grasps tight the shopping chart, the other hand that embraces the egg box;
and to the musical grid: Boston Pop, vocals by the announcing girl. Like a bird, she sings the 'hours for sale' song to mark the territory of the cheapest departments. (chorus: OOooou how these little things can make one happiiii).
To connect, you have to disconnect. From every social bond, any organic bond...
(> but, what about james bond???)
Slide down towards the slot into the Panoptikon Chamber (PC), connect to the flow.
No dogs allowed. So, to pick up one among several dog foods you have to try first. Taste some 'bone machine'.
No touch. Keep the distances written on the ergonomic grid.
No speech sounds. Follow the musical grid.
NO GAZE. Don't make others disconnect (by connecting them to yourself). Also
PLEASE DON'T GAZE BACK AT THE CAMERAS, for they don't gaze back at you; but guarantee your connection by securing your isolation in the Panoptikon Chamber. Any rational motive may disconnect, thus be found worthy for a capital judgement: unbroken disconnection.
Just flow.
Rule 1: con >be where you are< nect
So, The Ghost in the Grossmarket wants to become a gi4nt humanonion, without b3ing noticed wants to turn the whle pl4c3 into the most priimiitiive org g g geeanism on earth. As she disconn_nnocsid_ects by the approaching guard, prRRepared 4 a defense attt4ck, he connects: "D8 Y8U THINK M8V3M3NT 4ND SP4C3 IS N3C3SS4RY F8R Y8U T8 3XIST?"
(1998)
270
Writing is a crisis. Before and after.
It is a neurosis. Before and after.
Sometimes just wasting good will. During.
Reading is suffrage. Write bigger so that one can go after. No noise.
I love to think, just don’t like to remember.
It is a neurosis. Before and after.
Sometimes just wasting good will. During.
Reading is suffrage. Write bigger so that one can go after. No noise.
I love to think, just don’t like to remember.
268
Bir yarın kıyısında gördüğümde, günlük traşını olur gibi sakin
oturuyordun
tahta taburede, kabaran suyla tam aramda.
Hep korkardım; ama en çok umuttan. Herşeyi bildiğin halde nasıl
hala masumsun?
Kaynayan çamur ve ben sayende göz kamaştırıyoruz.
oturuyordun
tahta taburede, kabaran suyla tam aramda.
Hep korkardım; ama en çok umuttan. Herşeyi bildiğin halde nasıl
hala masumsun?
Kaynayan çamur ve ben sayende göz kamaştırıyoruz.
267
Yine sarı duvar. Zaten gecenin önünden de köpek geçti.
Hadi iş tutmaya, uğurumu sana bulaştırayım.
Hadi iş tutmaya, uğurumu sana bulaştırayım.
265
Diyelim ki ne yazdığını da bilmeden kağıdı kaplıyorsun. Arka arkaya birbirinin aynı desenlerle. Büyük, küçük, mavi, sarı, yuvarlak, köşeli aynılar. Ve saatler sonunda ne çizdiğini, nereye çizdiğini, neden çizdiğini unuttuğun halde kağıt hala boyanıyor. Işte böyle akarsın. Zaman beklerken, kağıt yaşlanır. Ve kağıdın bedeni boya olduğunda aralarında mutlaka içten bir hat vardır. Işte onu bulmak için çıktım yola. Belki o hattı bulabilirsem, birgün bir dokunuşta, kağıdı kirletmeden ve onu masaya çivilemeden aynısından çizebilirim.
Tek bir hamlede, bir doğru söz.
Tek bir hamlede, bir doğru söz.
263
Mavi-yeşil hattında bir rüya makinası. Yüzünde akan bulutlardan herkes bir yere gider görünür: "Yanın boş mu?"
262
Beş para etmez bir taş bile eriyor giydiği suyun altında. Öylece durmak imkansız. Demek ki akmalı parçalanıp, belki de süzülmeli bir derinin altına ve orada kurumalı. Anladın mı, tenindeki tuz gibi.
260
Korkuyu ya karşına alırsın,
her vuruşta masumiyetini parlatır;
ya da içine girersin, ruhun ağarıncaya kadar.
Böylece korku sen olursun.
her vuruşta masumiyetini parlatır;
ya da içine girersin, ruhun ağarıncaya kadar.
Böylece korku sen olursun.
259
Hayatta yapacak daha delice bir şeyi olmadığını söyleyene şöyle de:
Dans üzerine bir kitap yaz ve hiç dans etmeden. Bir senfoni bestele, elini hiçbir tuşa dokundurmadan, ve hiç çalınmamak üzere. Hiç değilse, hergün üzerine kendi kadar kum yığdığın bir tepenin ardını görmeye çalış.
Dans üzerine bir kitap yaz ve hiç dans etmeden. Bir senfoni bestele, elini hiçbir tuşa dokundurmadan, ve hiç çalınmamak üzere. Hiç değilse, hergün üzerine kendi kadar kum yığdığın bir tepenin ardını görmeye çalış.
258
Bir koridor, içim kadar sıkışık. Düğüm aklımda, kollarımda ve sonra ağzımda. Bir düğüm diğerini çözüyor.
Büyük Iskender’in kılıcı, dişlerimin arasında. Sonunda.
Büyük Iskender’in kılıcı, dişlerimin arasında. Sonunda.
257
Kahve bardağı sonunda ölü bir ağaca benzedi.
Halkaları sayarak bu gece kaç kabus göreceğimi bulalım şimdi.
Halkaları sayarak bu gece kaç kabus göreceğimi bulalım şimdi.
256
Gördüklerim aynadan geri yansırken, bildiklerimden bir fazlası vardı içinde. Benim yerimde, benim kolumu uzatmış, arkasına bakıyor ve orada dehşetle onu izleyen ben’i, ileriyi görebilen bir kurtun gözleriyle süzüyorrrrdu. Derken, bildiğim bütün şeytanlar teker teker sökün ettiğinde, kayboldu gitti ve anladım ki, bildikleri bildiğimden fazlası değildi. Galiba içimde masum olan ne varsa dehşet içinde yaptıklarımı seyrediyor ve diyor ki: “Hiçbir iblis korku veremez bana, gördüklerimden daha fazla.”
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